Black Dogs

I've previously talked about trying to manage PND and anxiety issues.
While I'm doing much better than I have been for years, I still struggle and find it hard at times.

When I am struggling, I take the knocks harder, I crawl right back into my shell, and I really don't want to come out.

When the fog hits, it's all encompassing. And I struggle to drag myself out.

I'm slowly getting used to cherishing the moment with my LG again. Of not filling every day with a plan and just enjoying her company.

But I still struggle with applying that same logic when it's just me.

When people tell me that we'll meet for coffee, and then are never available. When I'm meeting a group, ask what time to meet, and end up waiting on my own because the rest are late, and arrive together. When I try to organise a meet up, but it never happens, or gets taken over (either as a playdate or by someone else) and becomes not quite what you knew you needed. But you still go... Because it was your idea, right?

Most people would just chalk it up to life getting in the way. Except, when you're using all your energy to get through the fog, those little things are huge.

I often don't have the energy to organise or chase meeting up with others. But it seems that if I don't, no one asks.

I know, deep down, that I have everything I need around me. My LG's smile, support at home. But that doesn't stop me wanting to curl into a ball and hide from the effort sometimes.

It doesn't mean I don't want to go out. Be sociable. But it does mean that sometimes, I need the people around me to think before they reply...

To not say yes to Coffee when what they want is a playdate for their kids.  To not agree a time to meet up, and then not have the courtesy to change it, and just turn up late.

Because when you do that, what you're telling the other person is that they don't matter. That your time is more important than theirs. Ultimately, that they don't count.