Me... You... Us...

I seem to have written a fair bit about how important it is to look after ourselves, and it is.  The reality is though, that most of us don't exist as remote islands, far away from anyone or anything else.  Our day to day lives are lived as part of a wider circle, our partners and our families, our friends.

We all know that the key to a well functioning relationship is mutual respect. Part of that mutual respect is allowing and respecting each other's need for 'me time', not just for one of you. The key is balancing the me times, with times dedicated to 'us'. To the things you do and enjoy together, as a couple, and as a family.

Time. That thing we all crave and never seem to have enough of.  The intangible object that governs our lives.

YOU time... Your OH's ME time
If what your OH wants to do to relax and de-stress, isn't quite what we'd choose for ourselves, does it really matter? If we truly care for the other person, we should encourage their continued participation in the activities that make them happy. After all, that's at least part of what attracted you to them in the first place. 

We need to actively encourage our OHs to take their own me time as well as making sure we take our own.  We can't force them to do this, but we can ask them if they want to do things.  

Things we might be aware that they used to enjoy in the early days of the relationship, but have stopped doing.  Encouraging them to maintain friendships and hobbies when the opportunities arise.

Ultimately though, the choice is theirs.  If they choose not to take their time out, there is little we can do.

ME time...
In the midst of facilitating your OH, we still need to remember to take time for us. For us to cultivate and maintain our own stress busting activities.

But what is important to remember, is that our own ME time, isn't dependent on whether or not our OH wants theirs.  They are mutually exclusive events, and should never be considered to be dependent each other. 

US time...
All relationships need to be nurtured in order to grow and develop. When one or both parties don't continue to care for the relationship, it will inevitably wilt away. Planning and spending quality time together, doing something that makes you both happy, can only help to strengthen your relationship.

Making all this work takes TIME.  And both parties need to be equally invested for it to work. Sharing our friends, widening our respective social circles, is part of every relationship.

It's probably fair to say that if only one of you is sharing your social circle, if only one of you is actively promoting doing things and spending time together, that you're probably not equally invested.  But when you and your OH are equally willing to share your lives, your friends, your activities.  That's when you know your relationship really works.

US time doesn't have to be costly, or big gestures.  Going for a walk together in the evening.  Fitting in a Coffee date becuase your diaries don't quite let you have the night out you'd both love.  Even curling up on the sofa and watching the same TV programme or film, with no other distractions.  Simple things that ultimately make life better for everyone.

FAMILY time...
Children change the dynamics of any couple unit.  Some of us cope with that adaptation better than others.  Things that were straightforwards suddenly become impossible or difficult ... 

Two different clubs on the same night, no willing, regular babysitters?  Which of you gets to keep your 'ME' activity, and which loses out?  

Conflicting family traditions for Christmas, Birthdays, Easter, Holidays ... whose do you follow?  Who always feels like they're watching things happen from the sidelines, without really understanding or knowing what's going on? 

As your children get older, this becomes even more fraught, as their activities also need to be juggled into the family calendar.  Questions about who takes X to the Birthday party, what, if any activity you're all going to do together this week suddenly take priority.  And if one of you feels as though the child centered aspect of your life sits squarely and only on your shoulders, despite multiple attempts to re-balance it, then it suddenly becomes a burden.  Lacking in any enjoyment.

Doing things together.  Everyone together.  That's what's important.  Not the what.  Bike rides, kite flying, last-minute trips to the beach ... they all count.  They all make the memories that our children grow to cherish as they get older.