The Exhausted Mam

Back in April, I read a post on Unstoppable Mother on Facebook.  Much of that post resonated with me.  I've pretty much done all of the things listed in the first half of the post (and a few more).  

I've been the Mam who stood crying in the shower because I was so exhausted that I really couldn't think of anything else to do.  I've been so emotionally and physically tired that I really couldn't see a way to get through things that needed to be done.  I've sat crying on my bed because I told my LG off, and I felt guilty for doing it because in hindsight I knew it was because I was tired, and she was just enjoying her childhood. I've struggled with getting myself and her out the door in the morning, juggled school runs, chased and herded when I wished I just had time to let her engage and explore her curiosity.  

For a long time I really felt that my worth was pretty close to 0.  That I wasn't important enough to anyone or anything if I stopped what I was doing.  

My LG has always thought that I was enough.  Her eyes looking up at me in the dark middle of the night when I was feeding, crawling into bed with me for her early morning feed as she got older.  

She's always thought I'm great.  Always figured that Mami was good enough, even when I was really struggling to keep the plates spinning and not crashing to the ground around us.  

Despite knowing this, I've spent the much of my LG's life thinking that I was failing as a parent.

That I needed to keep doing more and more.  Why?  Because, generally, as a society, we don't seem prepared to just tell people that they're doing well.  The times when I was really struggling, noone came up to me and told me that I was doing OK, that I was a good Mam, that we all struggle sometimes.  

I was running around, thinking I was incompetent, useless.  That I was not a good parent.  That I was failing, both in my career (because I'd had to work part time just to keep up with life) and as a mother.  It seems that, as a woman, I was expected to be able to do all of those things, put me on hold, and still function. 

All I needed to hear were the words 

'You're doing OK.'  

'You're a good Mam.' 

I'm pretty sure we all need to hear those words sometimes.  They cost nothing, but we seem reluctant to use them.