The Happy Mask

Sometimes, just getting through the day is exhausting. For years, I got up in the morning, put on a happy mask, and pretended to the world that everything was fine. Except it wasn’t. Not by a long shot.

I became an expert at faking the ‘togetherness’ I thought someone in my life should be able to manage. I could spend the day smiling and laughing while silently crying inside.

I don’t think anyone actually realised quite how falling apart I was inside. I was outwardly smiling. I was getting through life. Just.

Getting through the days was (sometimes is) exhausting. I get extremely self-critical and think that I’m not good enough at anything I do. Asking why would anyone choose to be my friend.

Managing it has gotten easier over the years, but I still sometimes find myself teetering on the edge, needing to pull myself (or be pulled) out of it.

I like meeting up with people, but find large groups of people I don’t know overwhelming. Even when I really want social contact, I find being forced into a big group of people too much. I hide. I say no, when what I really want to say is yes. 

I like cooking and baking. Ideal hosting skills … but also overwhelming. And isolating. Especially if your house isn’t designed to fit more than 1 person in the kitchen. For years I wanted to invite people round, and I did. To start with. But then I stopped. Why? Because I felt like an unpaid kitchen maid, banished out of sight to conjure up the food we were about to eat, whilst everyone else got to sit, enjoy their wine and relax.

So if one of your friends loses interest in meeting up, don’t ignore them. Maybe what they actually need is for you to tell them they’re coming … not ask them if they want to.

Nurse your wine standing in the kitchen doorway – let them know they’re appreciated – don’t just let them hear the laughter they can’t join in with from down the hall …