What a difference a year makes ...



This past year has been a whirlwind ride, to re-set the course of my life in the right direction ... forwards, not backwards.  Looking up, not down.  

So much of the pain I felt previously I hid, to protect my LG, to give her the best life possible. But in protecting her, all I did was hurt myself.  

Has it been easy?  Far from it at times. It has been both the hardest year of my life, and also one of the happiest.  I've started to find me again.  To be me again.  

I've learnt a lot.  About myself.  About people.  About life.
I've realised that putting myself first doesn't mean that I'm a bad / incompetent / useless mother.  Neither does it mean that I am a bad partner.

So what made me light the match that changed my life?  
A combination of little things.  Things that, on their own, aren't really significant ... but rolled together, they become huge.  And insurmountable. 

I've gone from being a barely functioning half-person, to a fully functioning individual again.  I'm able to make decisions and have control over my own life.


There is the odd thing that I miss doing, that, due to other people's attitudes and reactions, I don't feel that I'm able to participate in any longer.  

Over the past year, I've was pushed out of the one weekly social activity that I did for me, the activity that helped keep me sane and give me social contact.  Pushed out of the fragile social network that I'd managed to build for myself, as me.  Not as Mam.  Not as Mrs X.  Me. 


I now know that I have proper friends.  People who actually care about me.  Who do give two hoots about how I'm feeling.  Who turn up in the tough times, even if we've not seen each other for a while. 

 I'm slowly starting to re-build my social network, but it doesn't take much for me to panic.  To step back, to start wondering why people are talking to me, when they're going to stop just wanting to meet up for fun and asking me to do stuff, ...

I now live in a home I can relax in ... not one that makes me tense and stress.  A house that feels like we can live in it, not just store stuff and dance around it.  

 I've stopped clock watching (well, most of the time anyway).  And that, in itself, is a huge relief, and has freed my mind. I've stopped needing to plan every day, just to make sure I get anything done.  And that is the best way to be. 

But basically, a year has made a huge difference.  And I'm looking forward to the next :-)

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