"I'll message you to organise ..."

Promises don't necessarily start with the words 'I promise to...', but do we actually think before we make a promise to someone?   

Our lives, it seems, are constantly changing and evolving ... we've nearly all been responsible for breaking promises (however big or small) to someone, and felt the hurt from being the one that has been on the receiving end of a broken promise.  But, although life can make it hard to keep them, maybe the answer is that we need to be more realistic in the promises we make to ourselves and others.  

Our lives seem to be propped up by casual promises, statements like:

"I'll message you to organise lunch later." 

"Let's go for coffee next week."

"Come to ours for dinner next week."

"I'll let you know next time we're going, and you can come with us."

How often do we say these things, but don't stick to them?  Do we ever think of the effect that not sticking to what we've said has on the other person?

Wouldn't it be better if we were just honest with each other?  If we actually said:

"I'd love to go for lunch / coffee, but I don't know when I'm going to be able to."

Basically, don't make promises you know deep down you are unlikely to be able to keep.  And if you do promise someone, then let them know that you're trying to find a time that works, that you haven't forgotten about it.

Because when we make promises, however small, to someone, but don't keep them, what we're actually telling that person is that they aren't important.  And we're ultimately telling ourselves that it's OK to lie, that it's OK to let people down.   

Over the years I've agreed to more things than were realistically possible to keep to - but tried to keep to everything.  Ultimately, that made me ill.  

After a while, it turns out that people just assume that you'll keep saying yes.  And when you do say NO - they don't say "That's OK, you do a lot anyway.", they take offence at the fact that you're helping / saying 'yes' to others, but not to them.  

But why did I do it?  Because, after living in a small town for years, most of my friends had moved on to further their careers.  

Trying to make new friends in a small town is a minefield, especially one where everyone is interlinked because there are few 'big' employers.  The inevitable happened, people knew I was good at X, or used to do Y somewhere else.  You agree because you want to get to know people better, to make new friends and re-build a social circle.  But if those 'friendships' are based on you always  have to do or give something, then they're probably not the kind of ones you actually want (or need) in your life.

I've learnt the hard way that I have to be more realistic in what I agree to.  And I'm prepared to say no, and step back from things when they don't work for me.  When they're having a negative effect on my life.  This isn't always popular, but it has shown where the honesty is appreciated (and where it really isn't), where people do actually understand that sometimes, it just doesn't work out ...