Mami Rhedeg

I follow a page called the Depression Project on Facebook. The mistake you think, not only about the effect you have on others, but also about theirs on you. Today's was about the impact that negative comments and remarks have on the recipient. For me, this struck a chord. The more you hear only negative comments, the more you start to believe them. For years I thought, actually believed, that I was pretty useless.  I changed careers, because I didn't feel I was good enough. Thankfully I found a second one (and arguably now a third), that I am good at, and feel valued in. I'm lucky, in that my bosses have supported and encouraged me over the past few years, even when I was falling apart in other ways. I started (but never got to finish) the journey to my Masters. I completed the first part, and graduated, but continuing, despite my academic success, was halted, as being unnecessary. Why? Because it wasn't compulsory and wasn't going to lead to promotion ...

Most days recently I pretty much feel like I've failed. Over the past month I've spent a lot of time wondering how I didn't spot the signs in my lg earlier...  How didn't I, as her Mam, realise how upset and anxious she was (is), and what the triggers were earlier. Wondering how I didn't realise how bad it was earlier.  I've woken up crying. Hidden tears from my lg and everyone else. Failed at times.  I know my lg sees it sometimes. Even when I try to hide it. She's watched me hold it all together, day in and day out since she was born. Sometimes she asks me if I'm OK. Cwtches me just because.  I've fought to do what's best for her for nearly 7 years. Put myself last. It's not just about the showing up and being there. It's about reorganising and prioritising life, decisions about careers, activities, around her. Making my life work around her, not the other way around. Not giving up on her. Around the tiny human I grew inside...