When failiure isn't an option ...


Most days recently I pretty much feel like I've failed. Over the past month I've spent a lot of time wondering how I didn't spot the signs in my lg earlier... 

 How didn't I, as her Mam, realise how upset and anxious she was (is), and what the triggers were earlier. Wondering how I didn't realise how bad it was earlier. 

 I've woken up crying. Hidden tears from my lg and everyone else. Failed at times. 

I know my lg sees it sometimes. Even when I try to hide it. She's watched me hold it all together, day in and day out since she was born. Sometimes she asks me if I'm OK. Cwtches me just because. 

 I've fought to do what's best for her for nearly 7 years. Put myself last. It's not just about the showing up and being there. It's about reorganising and prioritising life, decisions about careers, activities, around her. Making my life work around her, not the other way around. Not giving up on her. Around the tiny human I grew inside me. 

 I hid the tears for a long time. From my lg and from everyone else. Now I just hide them from her, because pretending you're that strong to the rest of the world just makes it harder to fight for her. I don't need to hide it at home anymore. 

 One thing I have learnt. Failing to stand up for her isn't an option. Failing to listen, to respond, to show her that her voice, however small, is being heard, isn't an option. Because that voice needs to be amplified sometimes to make it heard. 

 I will always fight for my lg, because she's worth it. However unpopular that fight makes me. 

Comments

  1. Awel25 February 2020 at 11:51

    Good on you. If you don't fight her corner no one else will. As for failure, you can only do your best and if it doesn't work out you can take comfort in the knowledge that you tried. More importantly , your daughter knows that you tried to do what was right by her. XX

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