Not All Scars are Visible (part 2)

Like the first part of this blog post here, this one has been a long time in the making.  There are many and various reasons for that, but, finally, here it is. 

Sometimes, the invisible scars and bruises that we carry around with us are the hardest ones to overcome.  Noone else can see them, so noone asks how you are, if they even knew they existed to start with.  And that's what makes them hard to explain, hard to share, and even harder to evidence.  Unfortunately,these hidden scars are also those most likely to be seen differently by each one of us, the grey area that causes them can be huge, and isn't always clear cut.

Since 2015, The Serious Crime Act has made an offence, punishable by a prison sentence of up to 5 years, of controlling or coercive behaviour to another person in an initimate or family relationship.  But, in reality, because we all see this differently (and have a different perception of what is acceptable for a Man to say to a Woman and vice versa), the line is clear cut in few people's heads.

Constant low-level crticism might not seem like a big thing, but if you chip away at someone for long enough, they are sure to lose all self-esteem.  Complaining that 'That's not the kind of curry I wanted' or 'Why can't you cook properly, does everything have to come out of the slow cooker in the week?', 'My sister does xxxx' might seem like small things ... except if that's all a person hears, then they're going to start to believe that they're useless and not up to it. 

Often, the low-level criticism will grow, and morph into other aspects of life.  Crticising achievements because 'so-and-so did this, that's still better than you', 'you can't do that, you don't have the time', 'do you think it's a good idea?'.  The constant hammering will inevitably make you think twice about doing anything. 

Forcing the other partner to give up work, or refusing to adjust working patterns to allow them to continue their career can lead to financial dependence.  Just because someone is working, doesn't mean that they're working as much as they'd like, or where they'd like.  Being told that your job is less important because you don't earn as much, but that you can't stay at home and raise your daughter because you need the money.

Financial control isn't always about access to bank accounts, ... it can be about excessive monitoring of spending, constantly commenting on what the other person is buying, paying for.  Not knowing how much money you have in savings so that one partner can dictate large expenditure but the other can't ... holidays, cars, ... are just the tip of the iceberg.  If you feel you can't make your own choices, that you can't spend money without checking with someone else first ... that's a sign that the other person is exercising financial control of your life.

Dismissing your opinion, telling you you don't know enough about something to have one.  Being constantly told that you're being over-sensitive when you question things.  Being cut out of discussions related to joint finances because you're a woman and those discussions are carried out between men.

Dismissing requests for help with chores because 'you only work part-time', being told that you're responsible for all of the housework because your partner works full-time and doesn't see raising a child as work. 

Being made to feel guilty about inviting people to your home 'because I've been busy all day and I just want to relax', but at the same time criticised for going out to socialise because 'you're never home'.  Told which family engagements have to have priority, but never yours. 

What matters is how the behaviour of the other person makes you feel, and if you think (and do) change your how you act and respond to take into account of your partner's behaviour our likely response - then it's not a good sign.

But standing up for yourself isn't easy.  What we need to remember is that we don't always know what someone has gone through, and, sometimes, when someone suddenly stops engaging or going places they used to, we need to be proactive in asking them why, and prepared to listen to their answers.