4 months ish and counting

I’ve spent the past months compiling the thoughts I've had as a Mam to a new baby.  It's a tongue and cheek summary of 

If breastfeeding, you will plan outfits based on how quickly you can whack a boob out. Even when you know you're sat at home all day on the sofa. You will regret some outfit choices which aren't as practical as they first appear. 

You will literally get your boobs out anywhere if you think it will stop the baby crying. And wonder why they won't stop if it doesn't work. At some point, you remember to check their butt as well, and that usually solves the problem. 

Sleep deprivation is a thing. There is a reason it's used as a torture technique. 

You will get itchy as soon as you start to feed. You will not be able to scratch that itch for the duration of the feed, and it will be the longest feed your baby has taken for a while. They know. And they will grin at you whilst they feed. 

You will grossly underestimate how many muslin squares you need. Just buy all the muslins. They are your new best friend. You can never have too many. Stash them everywhere you can around the house, and keep spares in every bag, car, cupboard you can think of. 

Babies make cute noises. The third auto-complete option when you Google “why does my baby sound like...” is: “a dinosaur”. Because they do. Google is how you while away the long feeds btw. 

If you have a baby before a heatwave (like I did), you will never get to use all the adorable outfits you have, because they will live in a nappy. Especially if that heatwave is in lockdown during a global Pandemic. Because who needs to get the baby dressed up, when you're not allowed to leave the house, even if you wanted to. 

You spend your day (and night) watching the baby breathe. Hours of it. On repeat. You wonder how you have achieved nothing all day when you sit down for tea. 

You will be permanently covered in milk. And smell of it. It's as gross as it sounds. But at some point you give up because you've actually run out of clean dry tops. 

Babies can tell when you have hot food and drinks. This is the time they will want cuddles. And feeding. And clean nappies. They will refuse to sleep at your mealtimes. 

Whatever vice you gave up during pregnancy (nicotine, alcohol, caffeine...) will become your vice again.

You will appreciate the auto play function on iPlayer on a whole new level. However, you will also dread the “are you still watching?” alert on your TV when you can’t reach the remote. 

People will have something to say, however you choose to feed your baby. Some of it will be positive. At some point, you will doubt your decision. 

You will need your own Mam. More than you ever realised. This is worse when your Mam can't help, because of a global Pandemic. 

You cannot spoil a baby with too many cuddles. If they cry, pick them up. If they fuss, check on them. Make the most of every moment that they need you, because one day they will be older and more independent.  And they will tell you to go away. 

Laundry. Every single day. Not just once either. If you miss 1 day, it will take a week to catch up again. 

You will soon realise not all apps are created equally and you will become addicted to the ones that are easy to navigate with one hand.

Cutting baby nails is the most terrifying ordeal ever. Just give in and buy baby nail files. Your baby won't let you forget if you get it wrong. 

The feeds where your phone is out of reach or has no battery are the longest feeds you will ever do. And the ones where everyone will try to phone you. 

You will Google everything. Sometimes this is an invaluable tool. Sometimes it’s the worst thing you can do. But we never learn. 

People are good and kind and generous. 

If you're a Welsh Mam, your blood will secretly boil every time someone refers to you as “mum”. Mom is acceptable middle ground (just) , but please refer to me as Mam. Or Mami. 

You will actually love your post baby body. There is also something weirdly comforting about stroking your stretch marks; the skin is really soft! But you will also celebrate when you fit in your "proper" clothes again. 

You will spend every day trying to get the baby to sleep. But be bored and lonely when they fall asleep. 

Your friends will be very patient and supportive even though now it takes you 3 to 5 business days to reply to their texts. If they're lucky. You will text a reply and forget to hit send. Or answer in your head.  You secretly hope they keep texting and don’t give up on you. You know those with children of their own understand. 

Skin-to-skin isn’t just for the baby’s benefit. It literally heals your soul. Feeling sad? Skin-to-skin will fix it. Also,  easier in a global Pandemic when you don't have visitors on a rota. 

Being a Mam, on maternity leave is lonely, but being a Mam to a baby born during lockdown in a pandemic is LONELY in capital letters. 

You will very quickly get over your fear of things like wasps and spiders, because you have to remain calm when you’re holding a baby. 

The baby will have so many nicknames it will be a miracle if she ever learns her actual name. You will all use different ones, and think yours is the one that needs to stick. 

You will never drink “hot drinks” again. If you are lucky, they will be lukewarm. 

After carrying the baby for over 8 months, after all the sickness and heartburn, swollen feet, sore back, and not running... the baby will look like her dad.

It takes a village to raise a baby, and my god do you need your village. This becomes more obvious when circumstances dictate that your village is only available via WhatsApp and Zoom.