Anxiety is a F*#!@? ...

Back in 2015, a couple of years after the birth of my eldest, I stumbled across what was then a new blog on Facebook.  My initial reaction of "Oh Gawd, not another perfect Mummy blog" was soon thrown in the bin.  Since then, I have followed Totes and her dedicated running blog.  Why?  because it's a refreshingly honest portrayal of family life.

Scroll forwards 5 years, and, just in the nick of time, up pops a picture of Totes brandishing the book in the picture ... so I ordered it.  Why?  Well, given that I've had a combination of Postnatal depression and Postnatal anxiety after both my pregnancies, giving birth in a global pandemic, 24 days into the UK's national lockdown wasn't exactly ideal timing.  The lockdown didn't trigger the anxiety, it's likely that would have happened anyway, but, the circumstances surrounding the birth this time heightened all the anxieties that would likely have surfaced, albeit probably to a lesser extent.  

I spent much of my baby girl's first few months oscillating between "can I just have life back now" and "bursting into tears at every thing".  The harsh reality of our strange new world was amplified when my tiny bundle was readmitted to hospital at 14 days ... under COVID rules, so no visitors.  No being able to go find proper coffee in the shop.  Thankfully she was OK.  But, in hindsight, that experience set my brain whirring with a list of "what ifs" as long as my arm.  None of them were / are good.  And once they'd been set off, there was no stopping them.

I spent nights listening.  Not really sleeping.  Making sure she was OK.  I've shouted at people to get away.  Been totally unable to relax on the very few occasions we've been anywhere busy in the past 6 months.  I keep scanning where everyone else is sitting.  Checking noone is getting too close.  At home, I've burst into tears for no good reason.  My OH has watched me.  Kept me going.  Made sure that I am actually able to function. My mate (who is a qualified complimentary therapist) has helped a lot.  

I felt terrible.  I worried that, because of COVID, I wouldn't be able to do the things we're meant to do with our babies on maternity leave.  I over thought and worried that I wouldn't be able to home teach the 7yo whilst looking after a newborn baby.  Then I worried I wasn't doing enough with the baby, or the 7yo.  Either or both.  I kept fretting to myself in my head.  I got fixated on stupid things.  Things which are basically unimportant, but fixing on them was the only way I could focus.

I ran.  I stopped running.  I started again.  There are days when getting my backside out the door has been a huge effort.  And that's when I realised ... the worry that comes to every new parent, had escalated.  From worry, to anxiety.  And trying to get help for that, in the middle of a pandemic where face to face meetings are limited, takes some effort.  

Anyway, the book dropped onto my doormat in a nice shiny envelope.  I started reading it. I finished it. It made so much sense to my brain.  Has it magically 'cured' the anxiety?  Well, no.  But it has helped me to better understand.  To be able to cope with the constant worry in my head.  Pretending it's not there doesn't help.  Not me anyway.  It makes it worse.  For me, facing up to it and acknowledging it is there is actually what makes it copeable with.  Because once I've done that, I will tell people, honestly, what's going on in my head.  

But please don't ask me to meet in a crowded place.  Or inside a cafe or restaurant.  Or to take my girls to play somewhere I don't know is clean ... because right now, in the middle of this pandemic, I really can't switch off that part of my brain.

Because, anxiety is a F*#!@r.  And, if you suffer from it, you end up needing to control it.  It can be controlled, but you need to learn what works for you.  Because the last thing you want is it controlling you.  And if your have someone who recognises when you've got there before you do ... so much the better :-)