Making time for what matters most

From the outside, you'd think that making time for the things that matter most to you would be easy.  One of the hardest things I've found as a parent, is how to prioritise the different strands of my life. Home - Mother - Work - Close Family - Extended Family - Friends - Me ...

I think I can safely say that the delicate balance of these, and more, has been a struggle for much of the past years.  Especially the prioritising ME bit.  And the things that are important to me (not just the people around me).  Because, actually, outside of work, I was really bad at it. 

After my eldest lg was born, I was catapulted from working full time, to maternity leave.  I loved the maternity leave, and my ultimate choice would have been to be a stay at home Mam.  But that option wasn't open to me. 

The juggling began in earnest. Why?  Because I had no long-term friends in the same stage of life as me.  They either had older children, or no children.  The baby groups I went to were full of people who already knew each other, because their older children were the same ages. It was, with a couple of notable exceptions, a closed shop of socialising.  

Somehow I ended up thinking that the photoshopped version of life on Pinterest was normal.  It made my anxiety worse, and caused a huge amount of upset for me personally, as I constantly thought I wasn't a good enough parent because I couldn't do all of the things I saw.  I physically couldn't be all things to all people, but I kept trying because I thought that's what I should be doing.  What I should be capable of juggling.

For me, my close family and friends have always been a priority.  But they were one that I sidelined for a number of years.  Why?  Because although close, my family are scattered geographically.  We've not been able to have the ritual regular meet ups of everybody - because it's a physical impossibility.  But that meant that somehow, our meet ups, our traditions were sidelined in favour of things that 'had' to happen on specific days / dates.  I thought (wrongly) that other people's priorities had to be mine.  Because that's what I was constantly told.

Over the years I've learnt that ritualistic meet-ups aren't necessarily the best for me.  They become things I feel I have to do. I often feel forced into participating, or continue to participate when things continue over a long period of time.  

Over lockdown, I came to realise that actually, making time to do the things that are important to me and those I live with is my priority - even if that is likely to mean saying 'no' to things that others think should be a priority.  Because, sometimes, we end up doing things because we always have, not because we want to.  And I want to try to instil in my girls that sometimes, doing something different is how you find the thing that you actually love.  Sometimes we do things because it makes someone else happy, and that's fine.  But if that's all we're doing, then we need to stop.  Step back.  Take stock.  Re-evaluate and re-order our priorities.

The thing I still struggle most with though is technology.  The incessant demand it can make of your time / focus, when actually you don't always want it to. Just because my phone is switched on and receiving messages / texts / emails, doesn't mean I'm going to react or respond instantly.  My time is no less valuable than anyone else's.  Those who may need (and want) an instant response all have my phone number ... and if they want an immediate answer to a question then they can ring.  

Unfortunately, others don't always see this.  And this is the challenge of out 'always connected' world.  That others see their question, their communication with you as high priority, when actually, for you it isn't.    

I still struggle with the technology bit.  But I'm getting better at managing it for me.  And I'm learning that if that means upsetting some people, then that's just tough.  But (and this one is a BIG but), other people also have to understand that my social media / communication priorities are different from theirs.  Don't harass me or try to guilt me to respond instantly - because the minute you do, I'm pretty much guaranteed to take even longer.  Because what you're ultimately trying to tell me is that you think whatever I'm doing that you can't see, that isn't directly linked to you, is more important than whatever I am doing and the people I am with, either in person or digitally, at that time.

I love running. But for years I felt guilty every time I donned my trainers and stepped outside the house.  Why?  Because I felt it was selfish.  Time I should be spending with my children or my family.  Except it isn't selfish.  Because that time makes me better at the other things I juggle.  It clears my head, it makes my sleep better.  Which in turn makes me a better parent, partner and friend.

I'm fortunate in that I enjoy my job.  I have a supportive boss.  I believe in what we do as an organisation. Sometimes though, it does make finding the line between work and interest a bit difficult.  It's something I've learned to live with, because I enjoy it.  And enjoying your job is what makes going to work fun.  Many colleagues have become friends.  Friends I can now turn to when I need support.  Do I find it hard to switch off?  Yes, sometimes.  But I'm getting there and working on it.

Over the years I tried different ways of juggling all of the conflicting demands.  I've realised over the years that priorities are essentially a personal thing, and we all have different ones.  Following some else's generally leads to unhappiness.  But that also means there's no definitive right answer ... it's just whatever works for us ...  

My number 1 priority is those closest to me.  It always will be.  And I'm getting much better and not being pulled in directions that stops this from happening.